How to Help Your Friend Who's Grieving

If you get my newsletter, then you probably know that one of my best friends lost a loved-one last week. I hated seeing her go through so much pain and I wanted to fix it right on the spot. But my friend was hurting and grieving. There was only so much I could do. It takes time to heal.

However, just because healing takes time doesn't mean that we can't comfort a friend who is grieving.

The problem, however, is that sometimes it's hard to know exactly what helping looks like in these situations. Is helping staying with them constantly? Is it leaving them alone so you aren't hovering too closely? Is it taking them out to their favorite restaurant and letting them drink an entire bottle of wine? Ummm, no. I don't recommend that last one.

But helping can come in many forms. Helping depends on your particular friend and their personality. Helping depends on what stage of grief they are in. And helping depends on what you are able to give of yourself. Regardless of those factors though, helping your friend as they grieve is extremely important, and today, I'd like to share some ways in which you can actionably help the one in your life who's hurting.

Help Them Focus

Try to think of things that will set their focus right. For me, this meant sending my friend lots of songs dealing with God being with us, God taking care of us, and that emphasized us calling out to God in the midst of heartache. You can do this on Spotify if your friend has an account. My friend does not, so I found all the sounds on Youtube and sent them to her. She said they helped her calm down some.

This could also mean offering to pray for her, sharing helpful scripture, etc. The point here is to help your friend remember truth in the midst of her chaos.

Encourage Them Towards Self-Care

When people are grieving, they often forget to take care off themselves. Physical, emotional, and spiritual self-care are all very important and can make or break a smooth healing. It's not that our friends need to rush the healing process or anything like that. It's just that we would never want to see them hindering their own healing.

Suggest things like calming lavender baths, listening to mellow music, doing some breathing exercises, writing in their journal, Bible reading, prayer- whatever you know helps your friend remain calm and healthy.

Let Them Know You Are Available

At some point, the (well-meaning) suggestions, advice, and reminding of truth can only go so far. There comes a time where you just need to be there. Be present and be normal. Participate in the day-to-day, normal friendship you've always had and if your friend wants to talk about it some more, you'll probably be able to tell. Don't feel like you always have to be "helping". They probably don't want that anyway.

Let Them Grieve

Grieving- truly grieving- is important too. A person who is hurting can cover it up and try to smooth it all over, but it's still there, eating away at them. So let your friend grieve. Not so long that they become a no-pants-wearing hobo, but long enough for them to feel what they need to feel. Don't try to prevent that process or get in the way of that step.

Watching a friend hurt can be so hard. We want to make it all better and do away with their pain. But that just isn't how life works and we have to be okay with that. Just be patient, be available, and use the steps above to help your friend. Obviously, it isn't a formula. You need to use wisdom about your friend's specific personality. But as a general rule, I feel that the above tips can help you help your loved-one who's grieving.

Want more on this topic?

Elizabeth of Love Doing Life definitely has some insight into grief after losing her baby.

One Way to Wade Through Grief- Ernest Grant II (Desiring God)

John Piper's prayer after an entire family was killed in a car accident.


Do you have any tips that you think should be included? Or are you personally grieving or trying to comfort someone who is? Comment below. I'd love to chat!

Lessons Learned by a Grieving Mother (A Guest Post)

*The following post is a guest post by Natalie of Healing Grace Childbirth Services.

Lessons in Grief

Grief. It’s difficult to handle and harder to understand. In seven years of living as a grieving mother, you’d think I’d have it all figured out. I can tell you that I most certainly do not, but I have learned to listen to my feelings. I have learned lessons from my grief that I could never have imagined.

I often find myself in the company of moms or dads who, like me, have lost a child. Before my own loss, before delivering my stillborn daughter, the loss of a child was something I thought would never happen. And then it did. 

I learned that I wasn’t alone 

I went from being a happy-go-lucky young twenty something year old girl to a mother faced with burying her child. I was married and had support but felt so alone. Over the course of seven years, I’ve discovered that I am one of millions of mothers who have been forced to move on without a child. Finding this group of moms helped me more than I can ever begin to describe. I hate that anyone has to lose a child, but am forever grateful that there are others who sympathize, understand and have comforted me so many times. 

I learned that it’s normal to feel 

I don’t know that I had ever felt emotions the way that I did after losing my daughter. Her loss gave me a crash course in riding an emotional roller coaster. I was often confused. I’d feel sad, overwhelmed, hopeless, angry and eventually happy, thankful and curious. It took many, many years but I began to realize that it was ok, even normal to grieve for long periods of time. I learned that grief happens in stages and that my feelings were normal. I only wish that someone had explained this to me sooner. 

I learned that my life has meaning

Years of living on without my child have been hard but they’ve helped me to learn the most important lesson, my life has meaning.  I spent many months feeling hopeless. I could have continued to feel sorry for myself but I wanted to do something to help other parents affected by the loss of a child. It may have taken awhile, but I found my life calling through grief. Fast forward to present day, I’m the founder of a nonprofit in South Carolina, our organization provides support to moms and dads who suffer the loss of a pregnancy or infant. We provide support, bereavement services and most importantly, help parents to know that they aren’t alone through their loss. 

Natalie provides support to families throughout the Palmetto state. In 2015, she founded the nonprofit organization Healing Grace Childbirth Services. An advocate for raising awareness of pregnancy and infant loss, Natalie enjoys helping others and educating health care staff on how to better support women and families. Natalie is certified as a Still birth and bereavement doula, she offers non-medical support to those in all stages of pregnancy, post-partum stages and to those dealing with infant or

                                            pregnancy loss.