How Should Christians Handle Their Anger? Lessons Learned from the Furious Christian

Have you ever been so angry that you couldn't see straight? Have you ever been so furious about an issue that, even after years have passed, you still find yourself shaking and grinding your teeth every time you think about it? Whether someone has wronged you, wronged a loved one, or wronged an entire people group, anger is incredibly hard to overcome.

I've definitely been there. And honestly, forgiveness can end up being a lifelong process in some cases. But there are lessons to be learned when we are angry, and there are certainly both right ways and wrong ways to handle it. Want to know more about what made me a furious Christian and how I ended up handling it? Keep reading.

The Backstory

In the Fall of 2013, my Nana- a true Proverbs 31 woman- had a terrible stroke. She couldn't talk, her entire right side was paralyzed, she couldn't eat, and she couldn't even swallow. We thought we had lost her; I have never been so scared. It was so hard to watch her struggle, in pain, and miserable.

She was in the hospital for a couple of weeks. The doctors were eventually able to remove the feeding tube, and by the grace and healing of God, Nana started to improve.

Now, several years after that stroke, Nana is doing so much better. She can walk short distances with a walker, she can eat a normal meal, she has some movement back on her right side, and she can speak, though it is still hard to understand her sometimes. I am so proud of her. She has worked so hard and as God has been healing, she has also been doing what she can to improve.

But, I realized something recently... I am very angry. Not at God. Not at Nana. Not at her circumstances (well, maybe a little)...but really, I am angry at the church she attended. Not just angry- I'm furious.

Why I'm Furious

My Nana was a member of her church for 20 years. She was an integral part of the church and did all she could to help. But when Nana had her stroke, even though there are a couple hundred people who attend this certain church, I can count on my hands how many people have called, visited, or sent a card to her in the last four years.

What exactly is the church for, if not to worship God and be the hands and feet of Christ? We are called to help the hurting, and show compassion to the broken-hearted. But they are sure to have their dinners, their "ladies night out", their youth group outings, and their movie nights, but they can't go visit or check on a woman who nearly died and now has to sit in a wheel-chair all day? Apparently, that's too hard for them and that's not okay. That is not godly. That is not what church is for.

Forgiveness Is Hard

I am so furious I cannot see straight. Every time I think about it I shake, my blood pressure rises, and I grind my teeth. But, I must forgive. God calls me to forgive and I cannot live my life embittered because of this. After-all, my Nana has already forgiven. She has let it go. So why shouldn't I?

Christ died on the cross and forgave me for all of my wrong doings- all of my impure thoughts, my selfish desires, my ungodly intentions. There are hundreds of things I could repent for every single day of my life, because I am a broken human being. So I have no right to condemn people for not being perfect- for letting someone slip through the cracks.

I forgive. I will let go with God's help and continue to forgive with God's help. 

What We Can Learn

But the story doesn't end there. I really believe that this can also serve as a lesson for the church. Be aware of your actions. I have all ideas that none of those church members meant to ignore my Nana's pain. They never once intended to hurt her; but they did. So, this is a moment that we as Christians, and as a body of believers, can look at what we are doing: Are we so focused on our fellowship and church events that we forget to help the needy and reach out to the hurting? Is there someone we are letting slip through the cracks who needs love, and who needs to see that people care? Let's not just be aware; let's fix it! 

I really mean that. I know for a fact that there are people in my life who I have unintentionally hurt. I know that there are people who have felt abandoned by me. I have made the same mistake my Nana's church made, and I want to use my anger towards her situation to make me better at caring for those who are hurting.

And this is also a lesson for people to forgive. I can be angry all I want to, but then I am in sin but becoming bitter and obsessed with that anger. I am not sinning any less than the people I am angry at if I refuse to forgive. It's simply a different kind of sin. So let go. Forgive.

A Very Important Note

No one is perfect. No church is perfect. And honestly, I feel confident that many of the people in that church are terrific people. I know some of them personally and they are people that I love and admire. They are people who go to great lengths to serve the Lord and glorify Him. They aren't bad people. They simply missed the mark on this one.

Some people will read this and think "see, that is why I don't go to church"...but that isn't right either. We don't need to end church. We need to reform it. We need to recognize the flaws and correct them. So don't just reject church as bad and stop going. God called us to fellowship in a body of believers, even though he knew how broken and sinful we all are. He gave this command for our own good. We need each other. So we cannot use our hurt as an excuse to reject the organized church; instead, we need to be willing to examine ourselves and ask the tough questions: what can I do better? What/who am I over-looking? Who am I not forgiving? Who is hurting right in front of my eyes? And after we ask those questions, the next question to follow should be, "God, how can I help? What can I do? Lord, show me!".

These are the lessons I've learned from being a furious Christian. Now it's time to forgive. It's time to let go. It's time to examine. And it's time to correct what's broken.

It's Ok to be Angry, but Never Cruel

I originally wrote this post as a guest post for my friend Kristie's blog. Now I'm sharing it with you. You should definitely go check out her website :)

Anger gets a bad rap sometimes. Anger is to blame for unkind words, huge fights, and even violent crimes. Anger does lead to those things, if it isn't kept in check. It can cause a lot of problems. But anger is not only natural, but it is unavoidable- sometimes, it is even good!

There is such a thing as godly anger. Godly anger is anger towards the things that break God's heart. It's anger towards bullying, injustice, and cruelty. You aren't necessarily in the wrong just because you are angry. What is wrong, however, is letting your anger make you cruel. You can be angry, but still be kind. You cannot, however, be cruel and still be kind.

Cruelty

Cruelty comes when we feel we have a right to be hateful because someone has wronged us. Cruelty can be as brazen as murdering someone to pay them back for their wrongs, or it can be as small as personally attacking your husband because he didn't clean the house like he promised.

We tend to feel that we deserve justice for every wrong committed against us. But God says justice belongs to Him (Romans 12:19). We are not to become cruel in order to get what we feel we deserve.

Cruelty says, "God isn't in charge- I'm in charge". Cruelty says "I don't care how I make this person feel. I want to hurt them, because they hurt me". Cruelty says, "I am the most important person around. How dare anyone hurt me".
Cruelty has a way of turning us into selfish monsters who forget that we make mistakes too.

Turn It Around

It may sound cliche, but turn the situation around. How would you feel if people were cruel every time you made a mistake? What if they gave no grace? Maybe you didn't mean to do wrong- maybe you were truly sorry. Regardless though, if no one showed you love and grace when you did wrong, you wouldn't think it was fair. You'd expect them to change their tune a bit, wouldn't you? I know I would! And that's because there is something inside all of us that tells us that grace needs to be a part of our lives. We know that without grace, we would be lost. And so when we do wrong, we hope and long for people to forgive us, let it go, and give us another chance.

Channel Your Anger

So what do we do when someone does make us angry? How to we handle it in a way that pleases God, but also solves the problem?

I believe that the answer lies in real, solid communication. First of all, communicate with God. Ask Him to help you forgive the wrong. It may even be necessary to ask that He help you want to forgive the wrong! I've been there many times!

After giving the issue to God, we should communicate with the person who has made us angry. Sometimes, this won't be feasible- like when we are mad because a random person flipped us off in traffic, or when the person we are angry at has passed away. But most of the time, we still have the opportunity to talk it out (calmly and kindly). And that is what I believe we should do.

It Doesn't Matter...Kind Of

You wanna know a secret though? Sometimes, that conversation won't go well. Sometimes that person will be rude to us about our honesty. Sometimes, they'll storm off. Sometimes, they will say they hear us and will do better, but then they won't actually make the effort.

As frustrating as that is (and I'm still learning this myself), it doesn't really matter what their response is. Our responsibility is us, not them. As long as we are honest, real, and kind, without a hint of cruelty, we've done our part. We've done what's right.

So next time someone makes you angry, don't beat yourself up over your anger. Anger isn't wrong in and of itself in most cases. Instead, be very aware of how you channel that anger, and avoid cruelty like the plague.

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What to Do When Someone is Mad At You (Mug-spiration Monday)

Last week, someone I love dearly called me to ask me about something they had given me and trusted me with. I had been hoping this conversation would never happen. I didn't want to admit that I could not find it. Perhaps it had gotten stored in a random box when we moved last August? I don't know. But one thing's for sure- there wasn't enough coffee in the world to soothe me after that phone call.

Though the item was mine, the person who gave it to me trusted me with something valuable. They trusted me to be responsible and I messed up. And being the people-pleaser that I am, I felt a sense of doom come upon me after talking to this person.

"I let them down. Now they won't trust me with any real responsibility. They won't think I am capable anymore. They won't be proud of me."

These were the thoughts that filled my mind as I sobbed with shame.

Understanding My Role

After my initial, overly-dramatic meltdown, I was rational enough (thanks to the hubs) to realize that all I had done was make a mistake. It was an unfortunate mistake, but nothing more. I realized that though, yes, I was at fault, there was nothing more I could do. I had admitted my mistake, asked forgiveness, and decided in my mind I would be more responsible from then on.

I could tell my loved-one was still mad at me, and was not going to let it go immediately. But again, I couldn't change that. They were angry. But I had done my part. The forgiveness and grace part was up to them.

Give Yourself Grace

It can be very discouraging when those we love are angry at us. I find it extremely hard to let that go. But just as I am learning that I cannot live by the expectations of others, I am also learning that I cannot let someone else's anger control me.

I messed up. It wasn't their mistake- it was mine. But once I had asked forgiveness and committed to doing a better job, I was free. It didn't erase my mistake, but at that point, I could not control their anger. I could not control whether or not they forgave me. I could only do my part.

Have you ever struggled with giving yourself grace once you've done all you can? Do you struggle to remember that their anger doesn't define you?
Today, let's strive to know that someone else's anger doesn't make us into a lesser person. If they stay mad, that doesn't mean we have less worth. Don't live based on other people's emotions about you. Do your part and move on.