4 Ways To Have a Fresh Start When Someone Hurts You

Sometimes I think that one of the easiest things in the world to do is to hold onto a grudge. When someone has genuinely hurt us, it's hard to instantaneously forgive and move on. But holding a grudge is never a good idea. We know that. It's not healthy emotionally (or even physically), and it does nothing but cause us problems. But how do we have a fresh start when someone has hurt us? Is that even possible? And do we even want it?

I think most of us would want a fresh start. Maybe not always. There are some people who just too toxic to try to keep around. And in those cases, I have a whole other set of advice. But when it comes to people we love and who are best kept in our lives, we have to figure out the best way to have a fresh start and move forward.

Clearly we can't keep sitting in our anger, hanging onto grudges like they are some kind of silly lifeline. But how do we make the shift? Today I'm sharing 4 Ways to Have a Fresh Start When Someone Hurts You.

Stop Bringing Up the Past

I know, I know. All you can think about is the past sometimes. The unkind words, the unwillingness to be flexible, or the back-stabbing you never expected. I get it. It's hard not to bring up something that cut you deeply. But if you really want a fresh start, you've got to stop bringing up the past.

Did they lie to you last year? If you've already addressed it and worked through it, then don't bring it up again. Did they criticize you in an area you are ultra -sensitive about? Still, if you talked it over already, do not make it an issue again.

After all, how can you have a fresh start if you are constantly dwelling on the stale and imperfect past?

Forgive Their Short-Comings

Forgiveness directly ties into my previous point. This is because if you are constantly mulling someones flaws over in your mind (or throwing them in their face), you are never going to be able to truly forgive them.

Forgiveness doesn't somehow say that what they did was okay, but it does release them from your anger and bitterness, and it tells them that you are willing to wipe the slate clean and start over. But if you are unwilling to forgive, you are going to keep on bringing up their flaws and they are going to feel just as hurt, frustrated, and defeated as you do about the situation.

And friends, think about it this way: What if God forgave like we do? What if God was constantly throwing our short-comings in our face, bringing up our past, and only half-way forgiving us? It'd be a disaster, right? So instead of doing things your own way and holding grudges and bringing up past hurts, do things God's way instead. He's really good at fresh starts.

Don't Let Issues Build Up

Letting issues fester instead of talking to each other respectfully when issues arise is a terrible idea. Chances are, if you avoid communicating your frustrations for very long, you're going to explode and make the situation way worse than it has to be.

As a personal example, last week I was really frustrated by how messy our house was. I felt annoyed because in my brain (which can be a very scary place sometimes 😬😂) it seemed like it wasn't as much of a priority to Taylor as it should be. But I didn't address it and I just let myself continue to be annoyed. Then the following week, when Taylor legitimately didn't have any time to help, I was, um, less than tactful when I finally said something to him. Instead of calmly addressing the fact that I felt like he had been slacking for the past week or so, I acted like a douche-monkey over something else very small.

Long story short? Communicate and don't hold things in. Don't be a douche-monkey! 😋

Take a Look Inward

Make sure you also take time to look inside yourself. Have you contributed to the problem? How might the other person perceive your actions? Try to see it through their eyes before acting out against them.

Sometimes our intentions might not be clear, and it is possible that we've aggravated the situation without realizing it. To have a real fresh start that works and lasts, this is a very important piece of the puzzle. Humility goes a long way.

Starting Fresh Doesn't Mean You Have to Be Taken Advantage Of

Just because you are trying to have a fresh start doesn't mean that you can't say how you are feeling about a situation. You can communicate and say how you feel while still forgiving, giving grace, and moving forward. So don't become a pushover as you try to have a fresh start. Instead, be committed to learning the art of being kind and forgiving, while still being willing to stand up for yourself when necessary. The key is being able to tell the difference, and remembering that the end goal is a fresh start, not necessarily "winning" a debate.

I hope these tips help and encourage you as you navigate the more tricky relationships in your life.

How Should Christians Handle Their Anger? Lessons Learned from the Furious Christian

Have you ever been so angry that you couldn't see straight? Have you ever been so furious about an issue that, even after years have passed, you still find yourself shaking and grinding your teeth every time you think about it? Whether someone has wronged you, wronged a loved one, or wronged an entire people group, anger is incredibly hard to overcome.

I've definitely been there. And honestly, forgiveness can end up being a lifelong process in some cases. But there are lessons to be learned when we are angry, and there are certainly both right ways and wrong ways to handle it. Want to know more about what made me a furious Christian and how I ended up handling it? Keep reading.

The Backstory

In the Fall of 2013, my Nana- a true Proverbs 31 woman- had a terrible stroke. She couldn't talk, her entire right side was paralyzed, she couldn't eat, and she couldn't even swallow. We thought we had lost her; I have never been so scared. It was so hard to watch her struggle, in pain, and miserable.

She was in the hospital for a couple of weeks. The doctors were eventually able to remove the feeding tube, and by the grace and healing of God, Nana started to improve.

Now, several years after that stroke, Nana is doing so much better. She can walk short distances with a walker, she can eat a normal meal, she has some movement back on her right side, and she can speak, though it is still hard to understand her sometimes. I am so proud of her. She has worked so hard and as God has been healing, she has also been doing what she can to improve.

But, I realized something recently... I am very angry. Not at God. Not at Nana. Not at her circumstances (well, maybe a little)...but really, I am angry at the church she attended. Not just angry- I'm furious.

Why I'm Furious

My Nana was a member of her church for 20 years. She was an integral part of the church and did all she could to help. But when Nana had her stroke, even though there are a couple hundred people who attend this certain church, I can count on my hands how many people have called, visited, or sent a card to her in the last four years.

What exactly is the church for, if not to worship God and be the hands and feet of Christ? We are called to help the hurting, and show compassion to the broken-hearted. But they are sure to have their dinners, their "ladies night out", their youth group outings, and their movie nights, but they can't go visit or check on a woman who nearly died and now has to sit in a wheel-chair all day? Apparently, that's too hard for them and that's not okay. That is not godly. That is not what church is for.

Forgiveness Is Hard

I am so furious I cannot see straight. Every time I think about it I shake, my blood pressure rises, and I grind my teeth. But, I must forgive. God calls me to forgive and I cannot live my life embittered because of this. After-all, my Nana has already forgiven. She has let it go. So why shouldn't I?

Christ died on the cross and forgave me for all of my wrong doings- all of my impure thoughts, my selfish desires, my ungodly intentions. There are hundreds of things I could repent for every single day of my life, because I am a broken human being. So I have no right to condemn people for not being perfect- for letting someone slip through the cracks.

I forgive. I will let go with God's help and continue to forgive with God's help. 

What We Can Learn

But the story doesn't end there. I really believe that this can also serve as a lesson for the church. Be aware of your actions. I have all ideas that none of those church members meant to ignore my Nana's pain. They never once intended to hurt her; but they did. So, this is a moment that we as Christians, and as a body of believers, can look at what we are doing: Are we so focused on our fellowship and church events that we forget to help the needy and reach out to the hurting? Is there someone we are letting slip through the cracks who needs love, and who needs to see that people care? Let's not just be aware; let's fix it! 

I really mean that. I know for a fact that there are people in my life who I have unintentionally hurt. I know that there are people who have felt abandoned by me. I have made the same mistake my Nana's church made, and I want to use my anger towards her situation to make me better at caring for those who are hurting.

And this is also a lesson for people to forgive. I can be angry all I want to, but then I am in sin but becoming bitter and obsessed with that anger. I am not sinning any less than the people I am angry at if I refuse to forgive. It's simply a different kind of sin. So let go. Forgive.

A Very Important Note

No one is perfect. No church is perfect. And honestly, I feel confident that many of the people in that church are terrific people. I know some of them personally and they are people that I love and admire. They are people who go to great lengths to serve the Lord and glorify Him. They aren't bad people. They simply missed the mark on this one.

Some people will read this and think "see, that is why I don't go to church"...but that isn't right either. We don't need to end church. We need to reform it. We need to recognize the flaws and correct them. So don't just reject church as bad and stop going. God called us to fellowship in a body of believers, even though he knew how broken and sinful we all are. He gave this command for our own good. We need each other. So we cannot use our hurt as an excuse to reject the organized church; instead, we need to be willing to examine ourselves and ask the tough questions: what can I do better? What/who am I over-looking? Who am I not forgiving? Who is hurting right in front of my eyes? And after we ask those questions, the next question to follow should be, "God, how can I help? What can I do? Lord, show me!".

These are the lessons I've learned from being a furious Christian. Now it's time to forgive. It's time to let go. It's time to examine. And it's time to correct what's broken.

What Is Real Forgiveness

The other night, I went to a women's Bible study at my hubby's seminary. The speaker for the evening told us to think about our house. She said to pick the room we liked least in the house. I picked the kitchen. She said that the first time she did this exercise, she picked the kitchen too.

By why did she pick the kitchen? Why did I pick the kitchen.? She picked the kitchen, she explained, because that's where she cooks (which she enjoys doing) only to have at least one of her children complain that they don't want it, or don't like it. I picked the kitchen, because there are always dishes piled-high, and I get angry because I don't have any help with them.

Are You Keeping a Running Tab of Wrongs?

In today's world, we keep a lot of lists. Some lists are good- to-do lists to keep us more productive, grocery lists to help us remember what we need- but what about the lists that keep constant remembrance of the wrong done to us?

We like to think we don't keep lists of who has hurt us. And even if we are willing to admit it, we always have a reason- an excuse- as to why we keep those lists. "It just has happened so many times, how can I just let it go?", "It's only natural to be angry", or "I am keeping this list so that I will not allow myself to be walked all over" are among the excuses that might be given. You see, when someone does something against us, we tend to store it away in our minds. Even when we say we have forgiven someone, we can't help but jump back to that moment when the person  hurts us again.

It may be impossible to forget, but real love- godly love- doesn't keep a running tab of people's mistakes.

Isn't it funny how we all want forgiveness- even expect it- but when someone does something to hurt or frustrate us, we struggle to give them the same grace? Who exactly do we think we are? We are not perfect. Sure, our wrong-doing may be different from theirs, but it certainly isn't any better (at least in most cases).

I know that there are some circustances that are much harder to forgive than others. I have never had to go through my spouse cheating or walking out on me (praise God), so I cannot imagine the pain that must live there. I cannot pretend to know what it's like. To those situations, all I can say is trust God and try to forgive.

But for most people, the wrongs we are keeping record of are more along the lines of rude words, tempers lost, hurt feelings, or a lack of help around the house. Maybe our friend has been late one too many times, or our sibling was gossiping about us to other family members. Those things hurt- and we often hold on to that hurt.

But the Bible says that if we love someone, we will not keep a list of their sins. That is such a foreign idea to our pride and to our self-conservation. In a world that is all about taking care of number one, we don't naturally consider giving grace. So sad, but very true.

Forgiving and not keeping a tab does not mean not holding people accountable. By all means, when someone hurts you, kindly express the hurt. If someone makes you angry, kindly talk to them about it. Express how their behavior was not good- maybe not even acceptable. But once you talk to them, once you offer them forgiveness, wipe it from the list. It's gone. Don't bring it back up.

Some people have a harder time with this than others. I am the world's worst for grudge-keeping. I am still fighting to forgive some situations from middle and high-school. I still get angry every time I think about certain people from college. But I have given it to God multiple times and have given my forgiveness. This means my list has to burn. I cannot keep going back to those things people did years ago- even days or hours ago. If I don't throw the list out, I am not loving them with a godly love- something I am absolutely called to do.

Are you like me? Is grudge-holding your favorite after-school activity? Or are you a quick forgiver? For your sake, I hope you are the latter. But regardless of what camp you fall into, remember- love keeps no record of wrongs. 

Love one another- just as Christ loves the church.

Blame

"I only yelled at you because you were being rude."

"I only talked about you behind your back because you talked about me first."

"You were supposed to help me become a better person. If you had helped me more, I would have made way more progress."

"You are supposed to keep me accountable for reading my Bible. It's your fault I haven't spent more time with God."

It's a lot easier to blame another person for our failures than it is to admit that we have failed, isn't it?

The list above is just random, and not all of them are necessarily pertinent to my life, but the one I'm really bad about is the last one. I am terrible about not reading my Bible. I don't pick it up and read it. But if Taylor doesn't ask me if I have read my Bible, I get mad at him and say he isn't keeping me accountable. Sure, I love when he remembers to ask me about it. Yes, I think that is important. But to blame him when I am the only one that is responsible for spending time with the Lord, is ridiculous. I know that deep down, but I find myself constantly repeating this attitude- but there is no excuse.

When I mess up, it is not someone else's fault. When you mess up, it's not because of someone else. We are responsible for every move we make, every thought we think, and every word that comes out of our mouths. Can other people influence those things? Can the devil himself influence those things? Yes! Absolutely. But when it is all said and done, only I give account for my actions. Only I can decide to do the right thing- or the wrong thing.

A popular pastor was recently found out to be having an affair. And he only had an affair after catching his wife having an affair. I have no idea what has happened with this situation. I have no idea if this pastor blames his wife or not- but if he does, he is wrong.

Cheating is an awful thing. I feel terrible for him and the hurt he suffered when he found his wife cheating on him. But one person's sin does not give us the right to go out and sin too. Regardless of what anyone else does or says, we are responsible for our own actions. We have no right to blame anyone else.

So what do you blame others for?
Do you blame others for your anger? Your selfishness? Your infidelity? Your half-truths? Whatever it is, start admitting that it's your fault. It's not your husband's fault, not your mom's fault, not your teacher's fault, and not your boss' fault. It's yours. It's mine. It's ours- only ours.

We must get rid of this desire to place our failures on the shoulders of others. We have to own up to our messes. We have to repent of our sins. And we have to be willing to say " I messed up, but God's grace is enough".

You see, when we blame others for our mistakes, we are doing what Adam did in the garden of Eden. Blame is not new.

And when we blame people, we are doing it out of fear- fear that we aren't good enough, fear that we've disappointed, and fear of rejection. But as Christians, there's no need for that. There is no condemnation for those of us who are in Christ (Romans 8:1). There's not even a reason to cast blame anymore, because we have long-since been forgiven. We have no shame...so why are we still trying to out-run it?

Stop running.

Accept the blame where blame is due.

And then let it go.

It's not anyone else's fault but yours... but it is also long-gone.

Accept your mistakes and accept Christ's all-encompassing forgiveness.

The Uselessness of Regret

Every once in a while, I start thinking about things I should have done differently. I can think of a million different instances, but no matter how many examples I can come up with, regret only leads to shame and depression.

I've always been a perfectionist. I have always beaten myself up for my mistakes and felt guilty about every little thing. I think I win the record for how many times a day I repent for things I have done. And repentance is a good thing...until you are looking around trying to find something- because surely I've done something bad within the past hour...

We all make mistakes and bad choices every.single.day. Bummer. And as much as we should be striving to live rightly, there comes a point that we have to realize that we are humans. We are not Jesus- we are never going to cultivate the perfect life here on earth. If we could do that, Jesus would never have needed to come.

And when we realize that we are human, we also begin to realize that we have to let go of our regret.

Regret, in essence, is dredging up the "what ifs", the "I should haves" and the "I wish I had's". 

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In college I began struggling very heavily with anxiety. I had already dealt with it some in high school, but I suppose that with the newness of college, being away from my family, and so many new adventures all coming at me at once, the anxiety grew. And because of this, I spent much of my college years inwardly focused on the fact that I was anxious and not very good at dealing with it. I had a great support system (Taylor, my family, and several wonderful friends), but I still was focused on my troubles, not my blessings.

When I would go home on school breaks, I was always so happy to see my family, but my anxiety made me feel distanced from them. I tried really hard to be myself, but I always knew they could tell I wasn't all there. I would leave from break feeling guilty and sad, because I knew they wanted their old Kristin back...so did I.

I eventually started getting a little bit better, slowly learning how to handle the anxiety. And I knew they could see the improvements too. I was more like myself again and we talked more freely without my struggles hindering us. But this didn't change the fact that I wasted a lot of time with my family-fun, untarnished time- because of my anxiety and how self-consumed I was for a while. In addition to my battle with anxiety, I was still enjoying college, I had a boyfriend that I loved and was completely twitterpated over (Bambi, anyone?), and I was soaking in all of the new adventures. With so much going on all at once, it all added up to one thing: I was insanely busy and rarely called my family, and I was distracted when I did.

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It happens, I am not alone. Most kids do go MIA for a while when they are in college, but I regret this. I regret that I didn't talk to my nana more, and let her know how much I appreciated her. Now, she has a hard time talking because of her stroke and I may never hear her normal voice again. It probably hurt her feelings that I didn't call more often too. I wish I would have shown my mom more appreciation both over the phone and when I visted. I wish that I had spent less time dealing with my emotional issues and more time playing with my little brother when I was home for the holidays. I wish I had spent more time with my dad and grandaddy too.

But the thing is, my family understands. My family loves me, cares for me, knows what I was going through and they do not have hard feelings towards me. They are proud of me and they are proud of the person I am becoming. They are proud of what Taylor and I are and strive to be, and they are proud of me for pursuing my goals. They don't think of me as "Kristin: loser with anxiety", or "Kristin: that obnoxious girl". I'm the only one thinking that. And the only reason I think like that, is because I give into my regret. I let the regrets creep up, consume me, and lie to me.

Can I learn from my regret? For sure. Regret should cause me to change my actions. I try to call my family more often than I use to, for example. But my regret should not lead me to dwell on the past, chastise myself for my mistakes, or make me hate myself. Regret is useless in that way. It causes us to focus on the things we cannot change, and renders us ineffective in the present, since we are too busy dwelling on the past. Regret only makes us depressed and shameful. And guess what- Christ died for our shame, and rendered our depression pointless. We are forgiven, we are redeemed. We are not shamed. We are not defeated. We are not what we feel like we are- praise God!

So the next time we feel regret creeping in, we must remember that it is useless. Remember that the shame that comes with it is a lie. God has covered every one of our wrongs- from the tiniest mishap, to the largest of sins. Regret is useless. Cast it out!

Loving the Infuriating

The other night, I spent the evening boiling. My blood was curdling and my mind was dreaming up some very creative phrases that I could hurl at a certain individual who caused said blood curdling...

There is this one person that drives me insane. Ever since I met this person, they have done nothing but hurl insults at me, both behind my back and to my face. And over the past month, I have realized my anger towards them and have not only confessed it to the Lord, but have really tried to love them in my heart.

But a few nights ago, after months (maybe even years) since we last talked, I received a lovely, snarky comment on one of my posts... *ensue anger*. There was no real reason to get mad. Sure, it was annoying. But if I really want to forgive, that doesn't leave much room for an elevating blood pressure or harsh words.

All I wanted to do was quip back with something equally snarky and hateful. I wanted to jump through the computer screen, have a screaming match (confident that I would "win" with flying colors), and throw a punch or two...oh yes...I'm super-godly! #sarcasm

But when God told us to love our enemies, it wasn't followed by: "Haha, just kidding. You can hate them if you want to". In fact, God even says that if we cannot love and forgive others, then we don't really love God! Ouch!

These are unpleasant and terrifying words to deal with. * Side note: before we get too concerned, rest assured that just because we are struggling to love someone who has hurt us, doesn't mean that we are no longer Christians* What it does mean, however, is that there is a serious problem in our hearts.

When we can't seem to love someone, ultimately, it is because we are refusing to see them how God sees them. We would like to view them as the jerkish low-life who _______ (fill in the blank). But how we should see them is as someone who is precious to God. We should see them as a beautiful being created in God's image. The one God loved so much, that He sent His only Son to die for! Wow! Now if that doesn't change our view on things, then something is seriously wrong!

You see, when we start seeing people from God's perspective, we no longer see an enemy. We see someone in the same boat as us. If they are a Christian, we see a sibling that needs our love and forgiveness; if they do not belong to God, then we see someone who is lost and unaware of their own fatal situation. We begin to see someone in need of our help, instead of someone we'd like to punch.

In Matthew 11:28, Jesus said "Come to me, all who are tired and weary". All.

We are all tired and weary, even our enemies. They want rest just as much as we do. And if they don't know where that rest comes from, we can show them... but only if we choose to love. Because hating our enemies will never be a method of helping them change, helping them meet the Savior. They will only see Him if we decide to put down our anger and hurt, forgive them, and love them unconditionally, as Christ first loved us.

Is there someone that you hate? Are you willing to repent of your unforgiveness and reject the hatred that tries to dive into your heart?